in search of clarity

i am concerned with what i do to myself physically and emotionally. i know what i am doing is wrong, but at the same time i cannot help but rationalize that it is right. dilemma of dilemmas, i know. 

i think this problem stems in my youth. i spent a lot of time in restraint, so when i get the chance to have certain aspects in my control, let us just say… i rarely care for consequences. i become unknowingly selfish, i want and need all of it because in the past i never got any of it. from there it turns into such an addiction and obsession. i will exercise this new thing in my life until it becomes lack luster or has lost its novelty, then it is on to the next one. unfortunately, my desire for change and newness is insatiable because of this. 

i guess you can say restraint is and will always be my vice. either it has all of me or i have none of it. 

when we lived in philippines.

when we moved to the states.. we stopped going to church on sundays and stopped doing anything catholic related. we grew out of it i guess? well, me and my brother did. my brother and i dont believe in religion much anymore. my parents on the other hand still does somethings. my mother still does the rosary every night before she sleeps. my father still prays too. sometimes ill hear him or see him with his eyes closed sitting and reciting. i feel awkward when i run into them doing these things. only because its one place where me and my parents are at a disconnect. 

when you die, you really wake up.

sometimes i write things to my boyfriend, but i never show him. this is how i feel when i hold him in my arms and what i want him to feel when i do. vice versa, this is how i feel when he holds me. i like writing things like these.. a bit girly i know, but whatever. its creative writing and i like it. it adds to my thoughts, feelings and collective reservoir for my future vows. yes, i practice writing vows hahha. i want everyone in the room to know i love him and i want them to be crying their fucking brains out too.

it seeps into my pores. unable to be washed and cleansed of this. it bears heavy on my shoulders and forces me to hang my head low in defeat. time crawls slowly against my wall… deformed and eyeing me with an agenda of ruin. my senses are at chaos. my mind is in psychodynamic shambles. i grapple with a relentless civil war of self. i am torn. i am broken. 

be relentless. ravage me. instill unto me a hope that you will never come again until i have lived my life the way  i deem it satisfactory. 

Infectious and debilitating, it centers me. Like chaos on the quiet, like silence in a crowd, I am at a lost and it is absolutely stunning.

ackhun:

I just went through this. I thought I had everything under control, I thought I had you. I made sure I held onto you, to make sure that you didn’t accidently slip out of my hands. Though this time of course.. I wasn’t the one to let go.

I’m angry. I’m so confused. Everything seemed more than fine this afternoon, amazing actually. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I’m tired of being in pain, and now, I just wanna runaway. Please..

i wonder why we exhaust our selves for love? for acceptance? for that reciprocity we we seek. for that moment that can only be described as fleeting. everyday is a struggle to keep you in my grasp, to keep the connection with you alive, alive and strong in every way possible. everything i do.. did was for you and what i thought perhaps this will be the moment you realize that i am THE ONLY person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  then, each moment passed. and passed. and passed. till i saw you compliant rather than willing. as time goes.. like how most things in this world.. there is degradation, disintegration and a lost of cohesion. in any case, as much as we dont like to think it. we must bear it and accept it for what it is. what

ive learned what has to be just as bad is when we try to keep a dying thing breathing when all it needs, all it wants is to sleep.